Super f i t n e s s g i r l
The Journey to a Happy and Healthy Mind, Body, and SpiritLetting Go of Expectations
For the last few months I have been feeling like something is shifting in my life. Perhaps more than one thing. It feels like a lot of moving pieces with a lot of unknowns and when I look even one year into the future, I see a vast, empty, blankness looking back at me. There has been a heaviness attached to this feeling of unknown. Normally, I would revel in this emptiness, armed with a bright outlook that everything will turn out fine somehow, I need not worry. Lately, carrying a boatload of personal and externally imposed expectations, my usual optimist is nowhere to be found.
The mental and emotional heaviness has been manifesting itself physically and I’m feeling low on energy and not quite myself. The vicious cycle continues to wind itself tighter as my physically unwell translates into further frustration and disgruntled thoughts mentally and spiritually. I made excuses for myself, told them to other people to re-enforce my own beliefs, but at the end of the day, still found myself tired and feeling worn out. Nobody ever said change is easy, but this feeling of stagnation is unusual even for me.
I was reminded today by one of my friends who is also a yoga student of mine, not to worry about the small things. Having missed my last two classes due to feeling ill and sluggish and apologized for being irresponsible as teacher and feeling terrible as a friend, I realized that I had been imposing expectations of myself onto myself which had left me with no other way to feel when I didn’t meet those expectations. Both in my public life and private life, it is inevitable that I construe what other people say or do as expectations that I then project onto myself, on top of my own. My actions do have an affect on others, so how can the two be un-intertwined?
The process is like any other practice. First I had to move through my feelings of disappointment and frustration. Then I had to remind myself that expectations are normal but judgement is unnecessary. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I had to forgive myself and acknowledge that it is a continuous and constant process, that I will have my good days and bad days but as long as I have an intuitive awareness of my feelings, I can effectively let them go and move beyond the limits of expectations. So onwards I go, doing the best I can, with each moment that I have.
Finding my way back
The last two months have been a hectic frenzy of personal travel, international teaching, major shifts of momentum at work, and realization of certain priorities in my life. Although I have been both on the road and at home in Hong Kong, there had been this haze in my brain and in my soul that has keep me from my usual sense of clarity and purpose. Somewhat distraught, I thought back to my two weeks in the mountains of Nepal back in April, and felt a tremendous sense of uplift and liberation from knowing that my memories and experiences shape and form the inner space that is always with me. Even in the madness of all of my worldly travels, even in the routine mundane everyday responsibilities of life, my inner sanctuary, my home within, is just a breath (or two) away.
I am at my first Wanderlust festival and it’s 6:30am on the second day. Yesterday was spent jogging on the trails of Squaw Valley and getting muddy along the way, hanging out with old friends at the Off the Mat tent in the village and telling people all about the work and action that we do, kayaking on Lake Tahoe, learning about the ecosystems in the area, and doing yoga on the rocks with some amazing people. I finished off the day chanting kirtan with Jai Uttal and swaying my body to some reggae tunes by the Wailers, under the stars, surrounded by majestic mountains all around, and people high on life.
Did I really have to travel 7000 miles to find this special, happy place? Admittedly there really is no place like California and definitely no greater connection than with the inspiring and open minds here at the festival, but I like to hold onto the hope that within me is a piece of all that is passionate, authentic, empowered, engaged, possible, and loving of everyone that I’ve had the blessing of meeting during my travels. What a life to live, and the journey home is a wondrous and amazing one.
Beginning Again
One of my teachers taught me a lesson last October that has shifted not only my yoga practice but also my approach to life in so many ways. At the Thailand Yoga Festival in Bangkok, Rusty Wells (Urban Flow Yoga, San Francisco) sat in front of the room and asked, “How many of you are beginners?” Only a fraction of the group raised their hands. ”We are all beginners, ” continued Rusty, as he assumed the demeanor of an eager beginner yoga student, eyes wide, exuding tremendous, curiosity, enthusiasm, and attentiveness.
In the routine of life, sometimes I forget how refreshing it can be to be a beginner again. After snowboarding for the last five years, I was getting comfortable riding down the mountain in my regular stance, and it wasn’t until I had to teach a friend (who was goofy stance) how to snowboard that I decided to try switch stance. Believe it or not, after the numerous falls, wipe-outs, and possible concussions, I actually really enjoyed re-learning the technique of finding my balance on the board in a totally new way.
Some of the joy in everyday experiences comes from maintaining a sense of curiosity and interest in exploring the depths of each moment, in looking beyond what has become normal and routine, in wiping the slate clean and beginning again. I am so grateful to Rusty for teaching me to see through the lens of a beginner, and for enabling my inner child to come out and play, figure things out, try, fall, get back up, and do it all over again with fresh excitement, trust, and humility.
To be a beginner is to be fully open to the possibilities of potential and growth. Isn’t that a fantastic place to be?
Enjoying the In-between
After a long day snowboarding on the slopes in Hakuba (Happo One today), I was very much looking forward to a nice and relaxing soak at the local onsen (hot spring). 2-minutes from my villa is the Mominoki Hotel and Onsen, and I wasted no time in settling right into the outdoor pool surrounded by big piles of snow and tall birch trees. I had arrived! Gazing up at the clear blue sky through the branches of the trees, I was what you would call “blissed out”. I soaked for a good 20 minutes, then headed for the indoor bath and showers, where it is proper onsen etiquette to sit on a little stool and properly wash oneself. There were 5 seats and all 5 were taken. Figuring those women would be quick showers as I am, I floated about the indoor onsen, waiting… and waiting…. and waiting…. One lady stood up (to leave??) but only to reach for her toothbrush, then sat back down again. You’ve got to be kidding me 
I glanced anxiously over at the showers every 20 seconds for about 3 minutes. No one seemed to be aware of my waiting, and they continued to enjoy scrubbing down, over and over again. After a few minutes, it hit me that I wasn’t actually in any hurry to get anywhere. This got me thinking back to a Yoga Journal article by Jason Crandell dissecting the “in-between” transitions between yoga poses, and how we can learn to move with more grace and more awareness if we can only slow down to enjoy these moments.
Then I thought about my day on the mountain, and how much I relished the lift rides, despite the anticipation of hitting the slopes and cruising all the way down the mountain. On the lifts, I was continuing to move forward, yet it was this special space where time was still, this beautiful place of the present moment. So here I was, lying on the edge of the indoor onsen, contemplating the vastness of this feeling of presence, enjoying the whole experience, smiling to myself. I’m not sure how much time passed by, but before I knew it, the showers had freed up and I felt like I hadn’t waited at all.
How often do we rush through life, to get from one place to the next, focused on destination, and missing the journey? How often do we stop to fully take in the preparations, the steps leading up to, the moments just before where we think we’re headed? In yoga, the transitions are just as important to the practice as the asanas themselves. During these moments of in-between, we take a breath (or two), get grounded, relinquish fear, and open up to freedom, love, creativity, and self-expression. Without them, the practice may feel ordinary, repetitive, and mundane. In life, learning to enjoy the in-between can also bring more gratitude for the awesomeness of life; it is truly a uniquely human experience to be able to feel alive each and every day!
I’m happy to report the rest of my time at the onsen was still totally, utterly, and fabulously blissful. :)
Traveling without Moving
The year is 2011, day 3. I have been on the road, traveling and living out of a suitcase for almost three weeks. It feels like the seasons have passed through a whole year, starting with summer in Maui, then fall in LA, a snowy winter in Boston, and spring showers in the central coast of California.
The whole plan was to not have a plan, and things have unfolded in a random, unexpected, but totally perfect way. Instead of going wine tasting in Santa Barbara, I got myself a rental car and drove 5 hours up the coast to Esalen, where I was looking forward to two days of quietude, solitary communion with nature and lots of soaking in the hot springs. There was so much space the moment I arrived that I almost didn’t know what to do with myself.
Just before dinner last night, I walked down to the meditation house and sat in the dark, toasty wooden cabin for 20 minutes. With my ears open and eyes closed, I connected to the sound of the gushing stream right next to the house and the complete silence otherwise. I knew I had been looking for something, but in that moment, I decided to let go of my search and just be.
Perhaps this was the “crash” KD had been referring to on our last day in Maui, the going back to the real world and re-integrating as functional, loving human beings. I’m still not sure but I feel an ease in relinquishing a longing desire to find out, to know… and I can be in the space that has opened up from an awareness that no matter where I physically go to look for answers, the journey continues to be within, and that path is beautiful, illuminated, and filled with compassion.
Happy 2011.
